Monday, May 18, 2015

Review of Balls. Balls Vodka That Is.

Review of Balls. Balls Vodka That Is.

As you've seen a few times in my blog, I review products. Companies read my blog, they send me some free stuff, I review it here, you read the review and become a more informed consumer, and the product gets its name out. Everybody wins.

I would draw a process flow diagram but I'm not going to nerd out too hard on you all here. Either way, capitalism kicks ass.

Before I dive too much deeper into this post, I have to warn you that it is:

1) Not my most clean post
2) Somewhat racy
3) Ridiculously awesome (duh)

So this is my full disclaimer and warning and if any of that may bother you or you have sensitive ears, please click here. But if you can handle it, you're going to thoroughly enjoy this article.

Not too long ago, a vodka called Balls Vodka sent me some of their product.

I really like this vodka. Its name has sexual connotations, the brand is kind of racy in general and you can make up drinks with dope names. I love all that shit.

Taste Test

Here's how our taste test went down. I was pre-gaming with a friend and we decided to get out my balls. Balls Vodka that is. Long story short I fed it to a friend and he got laid that night.

Do I guarantee that it enhances mojo and you will also get laid by drinking Balls Vodka? Yes. Just kidding. I have no clue, but it couldn't hurt.

In the package the company sent me, they included a little sheet with recipes for cocktails that one can make using Balls Vodka. So naturally, I had to come up with some of my own recipes and take it to the next level. Here's some of what I came up with.

Drink #1: Blue Balls

A little while ago I came up with a cocktail recipe called a Smurf. I decided to make a recipe similar to the Smurf, but this time with balls. Balls Vodka that is. It’s called Blue Balls. Here are the ingredients:
-1 ½ ounces Balls Vodka
-¾ ounces Hypnotic
-¾ ounces Peach Schnapps.

Yup, it will fuck you up. Good times.

Drink #2: Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls

The name of this drink is an ode to the late Isaac Hayes, also the voice of Chef on South Park. The drink is named after one of his songs. If you haven’t watched it, please do. Classic. Here’s the recipe:
-1 ½ ounces Balls Vodka
-1 ounce of creme de cacao
-1 ounce salted caramel coffee creamer
-Salt the rim and enjoy

Drink #3: Cock ‘n Balls

This drink is not for the faint of heart. It’s called Cock ‘n Balls. Lets just get to the recipe on this one:
-1 ounce Fighting Cock bourbon
-1 ounce Balls Vodka
-Fill the rest of the glass up with lots of ice, orange juice, and grapefruit juice
-Drink, enjoy and get ready for some crazy shit to happen

Last Balls Vodka has good promotional videos and the girl in it is pretty cute. Winning all around.


Want to get some Balls? And then put said Balls in your mouth? Balls Vodka that is. You can order it on Drizly and they'll deliver it to your house in an hour. And you can get $5 off. Boom.

Monday, May 4, 2015

The Kentucky Derby, Mint Juleps, and Good Times‏

The Kentucky Derby, Mint Juleps, and Good Times‏

As most of you probably know, I'm usually pretty late on posting according to the season or holiday. This post is no exception. So now that the Kentucky Derby is over, we're going to talk about mint
juleps. It’s going to be awesome.

As it turns out, I love mint juleps. It’s like southern sweet tea, which I also love, but with bourbon instead of tea. And I love bourbon.

So how do you make this delicious mint julep drink? I'm so glad you ask…

The first thing to keep in mind, and I mention this in my article post about a year ago on mojitos, that is really important to get the sugar to dissolve. Otherwise it just takes like minty bourbon and there's a bunch of sugar sitting in the bottom of your glass. OK, enough theory, lets go!

Step 1

In your cup, put at least 3 tablespoons of sugar. It's supposed to be a sweet drink and you also need sugar to counteract the minty-ness. You don't want your mint julep to taste like toothpaste-flavored bourbon. Then put between 8 and 10 leaves of mint and about a quarter ounce of water or soda water.

Step 2

Muddle the crap out of it.

Step 3

Pour in two and a half ounces of bourbon. Yep, two and a half ounces. This drink will get you f*cked up Kentucky style.

Step 4

Roll or shake your sugar mint and bourbon mix. Do this until you can't see the sugar anymore.

Step 5

Add lots of ice. Remember, it's hot as crap in the south. It's very important that you add the ice last because the sugar won't dissolve well if the liquid is cold. Ya feel me?

Step 6

Garnish the sh*t out of it with a big thing of mint. Not only is southern stuff sweet, it's also pretty.

Step 7

Enjoy the crap out of it. If you don't execute this step, you done messed up. Bless your heart.


Want some delicious bourbon to make you one? Delivered to your door in an hour? And get $5 off? Check out Drizly. It's the only way I buy booze these days.