Tuesday, June 5, 2018

What Beer Should You Drink This Summer?

A good friend of mine is getting married this summer. And because I say so much smart shi*t here about drinking and booze and getting hammered here on this blog, he asked me for a little advice about what to have at his bar.

I was happy to let it rain wisdom. I mean… I’m a good friend and humble guy in general, so of course I would help out.

It turned out that I spent a lot of time putting my thoughts together, and my reply to him may help other people too.

He asked me about the beer and liquor selection. He either knows I hate wine or didn’t care about it himself. Or both. I’m hoping this post will be useful for you if you’re in 1 of 2 situations:

1) You’re throwing a party coming up and aren’t sure what to get for the bar
2) You’re feeling frisky and are looking for some ideas for stuff to drink this summer. Mostly beer I guess. This post could also save you from drinking some sh*tty beer.

I guess there’s a #3 here which is both #1 and #2, but whatever…

OK, here’s what he sent me, asking for my (again) almost god-like yet somehow very humble opinion:

This is a pretty standard shopping list for a private event with ~150 people with a modest yet well rounded bar. Here it is {AND IF YOU SEE SQUIGGLY BRACKETS AND TEXT IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS, THAT MEANS IT’S MY COMMENTARY POST SENDING TO HIM FOR YOU}:

"Hey dude, thanks for asking. Here are my thoughts:

1st, Bloodline is a great choice. I can’t wait to drink a ton of it {I’LL BE AT THE WEDDING}. I would actually consider getting more of this one – it tends to be popular.

I’ve found that Sam Adams has gotten a lot worse in the recent years. I think there are way more better (and craftier options) for light summer beers. Kona Big Wave (we had at my wedding) is one of my favs in this category (I heart the sh*t out of Kona). There is also Dead Rise by Flying Dog (you either love or hate this one, If I remember right you hate it).

This list maybe useful for more ideas: https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/style/85/. {FLYING DOG IS A BREWERY OUT OF FREDERICK, MD. IT’S ALL OVER THE DC AREA WHERE I USED TO LIVE AND THEY MAKE GREAT BEER}

Have you had the 21st amendment watermelon beer? I was super disappointed by it, personally. I’d replace it with that pineapple beer you had at the beach that one time {IT WAS REALLY GOOD BUT I DIDN’T REMEMBER THE NAME. THERE CAN’T BE THAT MANY PINEAPPLE WHEAT BEERS OUT THERE IN CASE YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT} or if you can find it go with any Schlafly Hefeweizen. Schlafly beers are AMAZING – we wanted their beer at our wedding but they don't distribute in TX. Boooo. OK, last, I found this article that's pretty on point: https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2017/04/59-of-the-best-wheat-beershefeweizens-blind-tasted.html


You may need more vodka and less rum. I pour lots of vodka - more than anything else, and not that much rum. At all. I would ever hazard to say ditch Bacardi – very few people drink it in my experience these days. I mean… what do you use it for? Rum and Coke? Just use the Captain for that because if you're drinking rum and Coke you don't care that much anyway. Mojitos? Do you really want to get all those ingredients and then see if the bartender can actually make a good one? Long Island? I don't think I need to say anything about this one.

Another gin I recommend to people is Amsterdam. It’s cheap and good. If you want to see me drink gin on the rocks, go with Barr Hill. Mmmmm.

Buffalo Trace is the best value bourbon that I know of - great choice.

J Walker is overpriced. I’d go with Dewers. Nobody will care. But I also know that Indians {MY FRIEND IS INDIAN} LOVE J Walker Black sooo… yeah {IMPORTANT NOTE: HE DEF DIDN'T ARGUE WITH THIS}. I've found that people are a lot less prone to drink bourbon/whiskey cocktails in the summer than winter. People may still have bourbon or scotch on the rocks, but again, less so than in the winter.

Vermouth: It’s SWEET vermouth, right? Don't get dry. There is no difference between Dolin and the cheapest one on the shelf. Also, there is no need to get vermouth unless you’re also getting bitters (for a Manhattan) which I didn't see on the list. Make sure to also get bar cherries, oranges and sugar if you want to be able to serve an old fashioned. But don’t expect your bartender to know how to make a good one. I get very angry when bartenders suck at this drink, which is often {TEAR}.

Last, I have this shopping list on my website which may be useful: http://davidthebartender.blogspot.com/p/private-party-shopping-list.html

OK, that's it. It's warm out so go get drunk outside.


Friday, May 25, 2018

Peanut Butter JELLY DONUT Time!

VERY IMPORTANT: Before you read this post, make sure to watch this video ^^^^

OK, now that we’re done with that very important piece of business, we can start with the post. Whew.

So first off, this one’s been a long time coming (that’s what she said). I actually checked and I started writing this post in 2015. It’s 2018 now. I know… “Get it together, David… Get a job David…”

A little while ago (3 years actually), I bartended a company’s happy hour. Not uncommon, they grabbed a ton of random booze they had around and put it in the bar for me. 

This mixed with a pretty adventurous and non-discerning drinking crowd and I got to do one of my favorite things. Throw tons of crap together from a bunch of weird ingredients to make awesome sh*t. 

AKA MASSIVE opportunities for creativity. 

Before we get to the recipe, one quick story from this party that was no joke the most awesome moment of my entire bartending career. 

And this is saying a LOT because I have many. 

At this event, they had mini cupcakes. You know, the ones you can get at the grocery store. Well, it seemed like people were done eating them so I decided to make a shot with them. 

First, I asked if they were down to try something kind of crazy and different. They were like, “Hell yeah!” I mean, I don’t just make weird shots and give them to people without checking first. Usually at least. Here's an article on how to avoid this from happening

Plus they were kind of crunk at this point, so I was confident the idea would go over well. 

I grabbed a few of the vanilla mini cupcakes, some flavored vodka and juice, and threw it all in my shaker. I shook the crap out of it and served it to about a dozen people as a shot. I’d tell you the exact ingredients but I don’t remember. 3 years ago, bro…

The result?

A uniform look of both confusion and disgust on every single person’s face. Then half of them were like, “What was that?!” in a what-did-you-just-do-to-me-kind-of-way. 

It was amazing. 

Then I explained to them what it was, they thought it was pretty cool and then asked for more. 

OK, now to today’s recipe. 

The Jelly Doughnut

Like I said, I had a ton of stuff to work with at this party. When this happens, I usually take a few things and make them into cocktails or shots. Like a recipe on the spot. And it usually turns out pretty well. But this one recipe was special (believe it or not, even better than the cupcake shot)….

I tried it and it tasted just like a jelly doughnut. Magical. 

Step 1: Fill your cup with ice (all the way to the top homie, every time).
Step 2: Add 1oz of whipped vodka and 1oz of raspberry vodka. If you have a big cup or just like it strong, do 1.5oz of each.
Step 3: Fill the rest of the cup with equal parts ginger ale and pineapple juice. You can play around with this proportions to taste. 
Step 4: Stir because pineapple juice is thick and won’t mix well on its own. Don't shake or roll it because it will mess up the carbonation from the ginger ale. 
Step 5: [Optional]: Float 1/2oz raspberry vodka on top after stirring. Unlike an actual doughnut, this is so you get some fruit flavor in your first bite/sip. 

BOOM! There you have it. As a side note, you can probably use any fruit flavored vodka instead of raspberry. I’ve never tried it but I have had the mango doughnut from Voodoo Doughnuts and it’s amazing. Plus Pinnacle makes a mango vodka. 

God bless America and all of its doughnuts. 



Friday, May 11, 2018

Make Your Own FDA Banned Four Loko

“I know Jesus turned water into wine / But he woulda turned it to Four Loko at a party of mine.”-Ricosuave

It’s been a long time since I put up a new blog post. And I know what you’ve been thinking: “I sure am thirsty for something with a dangerous amount of both alcohol and caffeine” 

That’s great, because I’ve got just the thing for ya. You're welcome. 

Back to the Old School
Since it’s been a while since I posted last, were going to throw it back to the old school. Well… sort of old school. We’re going to recreate an ole classic that you can’t buy anymore. You guessed it: the mafuckin’ Four Loko! 

That’s right… I created a recipe that’ll give you the same getting wasted and partying all night superpowers as the original, now banned, Four Loko. You’ll be crushing late night drunk food and sleeping with strangers in no time. 

Before we start, let’s be clear. This isn’t the recipe for the new crappy version that’s safe to drink. You can buy that in the store. I'm talking about the original. The one the FDA banned because it was too awesome. Well, it was actually blamed for a bunch of college kids getting alcohol poisoning. They just couldn't handle all that awesome. 

I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes because this magical drink wasn’t around when I was in college. It’s a short list: Four Loko, sweet tea vodka and Tindr. 

Before we get to the recipe, an abbreviated backstory about why it was banned and you can’t buy it anymore. 

In essence, the original Four Loko was a 23.5oz can of 12% alcohol for $2-$4. If you break it down, that's the same as 5-6 beers or 7 shots of vodka. All in one tasty carbonated can - a great recipe for a hangover. 

College kids : Four Loko :: Fat kids : Cake.

On top of that, Four Lokos had 156mg of added caffeine. This is equal to about 2 Red Bulls. They also had 2 other stimulants, guarana and taurine. So all in all, some people estimated that a can of Four Loko had up to 500mg of caffeine, also equal to about 5 cups of coffee.

I know what you’re thinking… You're also pissed they didn't have this when you were in college. Tell me about it... 

The Dangerous Part
Caffeine delays the effects of alcohol. In other words, it takes way longer to feel drunk if you’re also drinking caffeine. So college kids would drink a Four Loko and think, “WTF, bro. I don't feel anything, dawg. I better take like 10 shots now cuz it’s #krunktime.” And then then they did.


The Recipe
Here’s a recipe to recreate the orange creamsicle Four Loko flavor. I don't know if this was actually a Four Loko flavor, but nobody ever drank it because they just had to have watermelon flavored alcohol that night. 

-3oz Pinnacle Cake vodka. You can use the Whipped flavor if you want instead.
-1oz Pinnacle Orange vodka
-1.5oz Bacardi 151 (I heard rumors that this was discontinued but you can still find it places. If you can’t, then any 70%-80% liquor that doesn’t have its own strong flavoring will do)
-1 orange flavor 5-Hour Energy
-16oz cold Monster Energy Rehab Orangeade

Feel free to serve this over ice if you want, but I didn't put any in the recipe on purpose. You want it to be cold, so it’s also a good idea to put the vodkas and rum in the freezer for a few hours before making. 

There you have it! Go drink, get hyper and make bad decisions! Just don’t end up in the ER. 

Disclaimer / Warning / How to Not Go to the Hospital
-Drink this drink at your own risk 
-Do not drink on an empty stomach 
-Do not drink/ eat/ snort/ whatever any other stimulants after drinking this
-Allow 2-3 hours before you even think about consuming any other alcohol 
-Do not get alcohol poisoning. That’s part of the instructions. 


You can also buy all the ingredients to make this drink on Drizly and get it delivered to your door. In an hour. And get $5 off. Yes please.